LIVING WITH SHYNESS
Throughout my life (sixty-one years now) I've lived in a world
where someone who was solitary by nature – someone on the
shyness/autism spectrum – lived a pretty solitary life. In my case I
did go out into the social world, with some success too. But while
surrounded by people there I remained very much alone, with
ideas about my own nature that I kept to myself.
Recently, with the introduction of computers and the internet, shy
people began to communicate with each other on websites
around the world. Each time I look at one of the sites where this is
happening, I'm impressed - it is something historic.
It came a bit too late for me – when I was young I might have
joined in, but after a lifetime in the social arena I've had a bit too
much of people. The best I can do now is be an interested
spectator (actually, you will occasionally see me contributing to
blogs at Wrong Planet - www.wrongplanet.com).
But on those websites I see young people struggling with
problems I resolved, in my own way, long ago – the main one
being: How does a shy person without social skills enter the
social world? Every time I read another version of this anguished
question, whether the problem of the moment is friendship, work,
or romantic love, I remember how impossible that task once
looked to me. Because of that, I have to say this:
Shyness is found throughout nature. Almost all wild animals are
shy, predators as well as prey. Your shyness isn't just a facet of
your character, some abstract difference that makes you a poor fit
with social humans. It is a living breathing creature, a psychic
animal that takes flight like a wild deer whenever people approach.
Those of us who successfully enter society do it by tying that
deer up, or putting it in a cage. We immobilize it in order to
socialize. That's how I managed to work as an insurance adjuster
and accident investigator for over thirty years
Yes, I did that for a long time. Except that, unlike those who lock
the deer away and forget it, I kept it with me. I tried to look after it.
All through my life I remained conscious of it beside me, an
unwilling and unhappy accomplice to the unnatural life I was
living.
But after I turned fifty, watching it one day huddled dejectedly in
its corner, I realized how much it had suffered and I resolved that,
in the years that were left, it was going to know freedom.
So I began to experiment – every now and then I untied it.
Of course it ran away every time. More and more often I declined
invitations to go for a drink after work. I found ways not to be
where other people were going to be. I began to eat in restaurants
alone, drink moderately alone (trust me, it's safer than drinking
with any group of people), take vacations alone, etc.
But now, when I needed my old detachment, it wasn't always
there. If a beautiful woman spoke to me, my mind would fall into
confusion. I would have trouble perceiving her words and I would
be unable to reply, just the way it was when I was a young man.
My shyness was back.
But out of this new state of things came a remarkable new energy,
and, after a seven year writing odyssey, a book - The Birdcatcher.
My deer and I have come to a compromise. Understanding our
need for regular income, and knowing that it will only be restricted
temporarily, it lets me put the leash back on when I have to deal
with people. In return, I keep social contacts to a minimum.
Do you see what I'm getting at? When you're accommodating
yourself to the social world, you should never abandon that deer
– never forget who you really are. Though this will produce
complications for you, in the long run you will be better off
because you will retain more of your real self.
Now, I can hear the objections to this – 'Learn to accept your
shyness? What kind of advice is that?' – Well, let me tell you, you
are not going to turn yourselves into extroverts. Extroverts are
more unlike you than you think. They possess social skills that
come from deep down in their genes, skills that are unconscious
and invisible, that you can never fully learn, or even imitate.
You're like an unknown piece that has appeared inexplicably on a
chess board. Fine, try to find out what the rooks and bishops and
knights are up to - the poor pawns too – find out as much as you
can about how they operate – but don't for a moment think you
can be one of them.
You are something else. Believe me, you puzzle social people as
much as they puzzle you. Find out how you can move on that
board in your own way, and stick to it.
You do have advantages. You know how to keep your thoughts to
yourself. You can keep secrets. Did you know that that intimidates
social people? In those situations where only you know what
you're thinking, you have a powerful advantage. That's most
common in things like work/business, but it can come into play
when love is at stake too.
If you can learn to do that – keep your feet firmly on your own turf
in the midst of the kaleidoscopic merry-go-round of the social
world - trust me, you will be happier. You will be lonely sometimes,
but you will receive more respect from the extroverts than those
people who try to hide their shyness by talking a lot (extroverts
admire silent, solitary, confident men and women – don't ask me
to explain it).
So, when you're in the social arena, playing its games according
to its rules, yes, you can still be yourself. When someone asks
you why you're so quiet, you can reply - politely and with humor I
hope, but without any apology - 'Because that's who I am.'
Sometimes when you do that you will receive unexpected
rewards.
______
Copyright - Alan Conrad
2007